I am a guy!

Because I Am a Guy...

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my
hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a
whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by
holding a calculator.
*Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with
a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a
road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when
the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the
engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up,
one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these
things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't
know where to start." We will then drink beer.
*Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring
me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You
never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
*Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to
find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are
the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me
to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a
euphemism.
*Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it
back together.
*Because I'm a guy, we are NEVER lost ... and no, I don't think we
should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a
complete stranger - how the heck could HE know where we're
going?
*Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to
make up something else when you ask, so don't.
*Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day
is okay, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up
something for my mom too?
*Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer
and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even
when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies
and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly
hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and
no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front
yard. What's the connection?
*Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
*Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce
Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell
you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover
of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is
buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave
as if you do not find this fascinating.
*Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought
what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine too. Either pair of
shoes is fine. With the belt or without, it looks fine. Your hair is
fine. You look fine. Everything is fine. CAN WE JUST GO NOW?
*Because I'm a guy and this is, after all,  2014, I will share equally
in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning,
and the dishes. I'll do the rest